Motivation Three Ways
your Saturday roundup
Professionally, I focus on creating social benefit startups. In my Saturday morning emails I share what I’m learning and thinking. Topics range from better living and parenting to business and philosophy.
Motivating Your Kids. How do you motivate you kids towards high performance? I’d love to find rigorous studies on the topic. I would prefer to encourage and praise my kids and am attracted to the growth mindset. I am curious if a more negative talk works. And what are the trade offs? Does it depend on the kid? For example, I’ve recently learned about Michael Jordan’s and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s motivation to prove their fathers wrong. Many men gain fire in the belly from their relationship with their fathers. It can be emotionally painful. Is it worth it? Do these fathers intentionally provoke their sons? Or are some sons ready to hear and remember any comment as negative and use it as fuel? And while we are at it, is the negative motivation / pain a necessary ingredient to high performance in a competitive field?
Motivating Your Students. How do you motivate students? I’m excited by schools that have a low floor high ceiling for learning opportunities. Pretty much everyone can do the entry-level version but the ceiling goes up to the highest level of performance in the field. Too many educators focus on the lowest performing students and do not focus enough on ensuring there is enough challenge for other students.
Motivating Yourself. To motivate my continuous fitness goals, I find shorter term milestones to be helpful. I’m not fast but I love running outside. So I signed up for a half-marathon on Labor Day. It gives me that extra reason to get out there and push a little harder. Also, my friend talked me into a bench press competition later this year. I’ve never focused on bench that much before. But you bet I am now. Any ideas for fun exercise goals or competitions that can keep me focused?
Until next week,
Miles
#3. I just joined an MMA Gym and my goal is to attend 2 or more classes each week for the first 30 days. :) Have fun out there Miles
Regarding question #1. You are asking questions about attaining attributes (competitive, high performance, motivated) that are important to our generation. It's a completely different world for our children. You are talking more alpha-male (including the two father examples you mention) and our children's world teaches prizing beta-males. I'm not saying this is preferable, it's just a reality of the moment. And if you have your children in public schools (including private schools--in other words not home-schooled), you have no hope of getting them to be high achieving. All the messaging bombarding our children from every direction is to be moderate or mediocre, do not stand out, so that no other child feels left behind or inferior.
Who is your child? Have you stepped back to observe what they naturally gravitate toward? What their personality is vs what you want it to be? Often we parents see amazing talent and potential in our children but they themselves have no desire to develop those attributes. Something else captures their heart. Maybe they're an introvert, meant to be a deep thinker instead of a high achiever. Or maybe they love the outdoors and being a Park Ranger is their destiny. Remember the phrase "Do what you love and you will never work a day in your life?" Maybe the better search has nothing to do with greater achievement. (Motivating them to do the dishes when it's their turn is a whole other subject!)
Another element that is really hard for us parents is the concept of "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." With our own high achieving success, we provide a gentler life for our children. One where they are not hungry, cold or need to be ingenious. It's antithetical to parenting to create a world of hardship and at the same time, hardship is such a driver of "fire in the belly." If you can create an obstacle that they are motivated to overcome, do not even consider one that involves pain between you and your son! Obstacles more along the lines of what it takes to become an Eagle Scout and doing that father/son survival month in the Rockies with only what you can carry on your back are pretty effective...with no father/son pain, just gain.
Reflecting on the formative years of my adult children (who are amazing and I have no idea what I did to deserve them!), I think the two biggest misjudgements I made were not getting out of my own head to see who they were instead of who I thought they needed to be, and being afraid that if they didn't achieve this or that marker, that they wouldn't have a good rest of their life. Lots and lots did not go the way I wanted and they are fine, better than fine.
So this is not an "expert" book recommendation, but life experience shared friend to friend. You are already an excellent example of high achievement and self motivation. Your example is already motivating them because you are their Dad—unless you push so much (including passively) that they vow never to be like you.
My best research suggestion is to take the time that you would use reading up on motivating your son and spend it laughing with him instead. That's what will make him want to be like you more than anything else.