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Nancy Kelly's avatar

The western world makes it challenging to balance family with self fulfillment because it is obsessed with youth. To this day, the attitude is that if you are 50, you are over-the-hill and your life opportunities are gone. A lot of people are discovering life and all its opportunities are the sweetest at 50 with still an abundance of energy and finally a shred of life wisdom! But when someone is having children in their 20s, 30s or even 40s, they are not getting that message. Rather, the measure of someone's worth is in achieving six figure incomes and stock options (and similarly relative measures at all income levels).

Women are not revered for all they go through to have children, but rather the underlying message is pity because they have to either juggle so much in a two decade period to raise children and have a career, or they will be permanently derailed if they focus just on children. [See sidebar below.] Men are superficially celebrated if they take on a strong household role, but underneath there is still a stigma about it. Capitalism is an outstanding construct that I hardheartedly support, but we lost our way when we made our participation in it the definition of life success. The lucky ones figure out children are the longest lasting joy in life, no matter how much of a pain they are along the way, or whether there is a used car in the driveway instead of a new one.

Sidebar: I happened to take time off from work to raise a family at the height of my corporate career having had my children later in life. Once back in the business world, it took a short time to regain my former position and rise above it. All-in-all it meant I was about 12 years financially behind the people in my field who had no career disruption. At 70, still full of energy, I envisioned working at least to 75 and beyond, especially to better secure my retirement funds after putting children through college, and to compensate for the non-work years of child rearing. Lo-and-behold, SSA does not count earnings after age 70 toward highest earning years. What an unexpected and unsettling discovery, especially for women who are the most likely to be impacted by family care-giving demands.

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